Magical Silver Ions

While waiting for a flight last week, I sat across from a couple who were busy preparing for the flight. They were gathering their reading material, arranging and re-arranging their carry-on luggage and having a quick snack.

In between each step of this business, they each would pause to disinfect. In a ten minute span, they literally squirted their hands a half-dozen times with every germophobe’s favorite liquid, Purell.

But in today’s New York Times, I found a better solution. Rather than subjecting germophobes to a continuous and never-ending Purell lathering, this solution offers a quick, simple fix. A solution that I’m sure my lawyer, Howard Hughes, will be surfing out to purchase in bulk, City Mitts.

City Mitts are a textile glove imbued with bacteria-fighting properties. They contain tiny silver ions, the same magical silver ions used in antimicrobial soaps, lotions and Captain James Kirk’s hair gel. And because of the neurotic nature of typical City Mitt customers, a hole was added in the back of the glove to stave off claustrophobia.

Claustrophobia? Feeling closed-in because of your gloves? I’m beginning to understand why there are more neurotic people in places like California than there are in cold-winter climates like Canada and Minnesota.

The best thing about City Mitts is their website. A hot, neurotic babe picture on the front site and a handy list of diseases you can catch if you’re not wearing your body armor:

Germs found in the NYC Subway (thanks NYC Daily News!)

• Grand Central Station: toxic shock syndrome
• Penn Station Toilet Seat: meningitis
• Penn Station Ticket Machine: feces, skin infection
• R Train: e-coli
• C Train: urinary infection
• 7 Train: diarrhea
• 4 Train: influenza, cold virus

Upcoming “City” Brand Additions

• City Socks – for those nasty athletes foot germs
• City Diapers – what could possible contain more germs that baby shit?
• City Hats – think of all the unseen germs floating through the air
• City Bed – don’t let those bed bugs bite
• City Underwear – never let dirty underwear trigger a neurotic attack again!
• City Toiletpaper – carry it everywhere you go….just in case.

Germophobe Guide To Dirty Surfaces

Watch out for these unhealthy surfaces! 99 reasons to become even more neurotic!

Commuting 1. Fare-card machine keypads 2. Turnstiles 3. Escalator handrails 4. Handrails of stairs 5. Subway car handles and straps 6. Subway seats and poles 7. Bus seats and handles 8. Revolving door handles 9. Gas pump keypads 10. Gas pump nozzles 11. Car door handles and locks 12. Dashboard surfaces and buttons 13. Toll booth tickets and currency At Work 14. Computer keyboard 15. Computer mouse 16. Photocopy machine keypads 17. Fax machine keypads 18. Calculator keypads 19. Printer buttons and trays 20. Staplers and other office supplies 21. Doorknobs and handles 22. Light switches 23. Elevator buttons 24. Handrails of stairs 25. Office and conference room phones 26. Laptop computer keypads 27. Vending machine keypads 28. Staff room refrigerator handle 29. Staff room microwave handle On Vacation / Traveling 30. People mover handrails 31. Pay phone buttons 32. Pay phone receivers 33. Vending machine keypads 34. Currency at fast food restaurants 35. ATM machine keypads 36. Plastic security buckets at airports 37. Airplane seat rests 38. Airplane blankets and pillows 39. In-flight magazines 40. Hotel room key cards 41. Hotel room remote controls 42. Hotel room A/C controls At the Gym 43. Treadmill keypads 44. Elliptical machine keypads and handles 45. Stepper machine keypads and handles 46. Stationary bike keypads and handles 47. Rowing machine handles 48. TV remote controls

Working Out / Weight Room 49. Abdominal equipment handles and headrests 50. Weight machine handles 51. Free weights and barbells 52. Exercise and stretching mats 53. Medicine balls 54. Jump rope handles At Home 55. Computer keyboards and mouse 56. Toys for pets 57. Remote control devices 58. Thermostats 59. Light switches 60. Doorknobs and handles 61. Kitchen countertops 62. Kitchen sponges 63. Refrigerator door handles 64. Oven door handles 65. Microwave door handles 66. Stairway railings Shopping 67. Shopping cart handles 68. Shopping basket handles 69. Bulk-food scoop handles 70. Tongs for baked goods 71. Currency 72. Credit cards 73. ATM machine keypads 74. Stair handrails 75. Escalator handrails 76. Elevator buttons 77. Public rest room surfaces 78. Hand soap dispensers 79. Paper towel dispensers 80. Bathroom door handles At School 81. School bus seats and handles 82. Shared toys 83. Library books 84. Crayons 85. Mats 86. Cafeteria trays 87. Bathroom surfaces 88. Doorknobs and handles 89. Playground equipment 90. Vending machine keypads 91. Sports/gym equipment At Movie Theaters, Sports Events, Clubs 92. Seats 93. Bar surfaces 94. Arm rests 95. Condiment/napkin area surfaces 96. Tickets 97. Video game controls 98. Pinball machine buttons 99. Cigarette lighters