Howard Hughes

This is the nickname I have for one of my neurotic friends. He carries a bottle of Purell around on his belt like Mr. Humberfloob from the Cat in the Hat movie. He even corrects me when I call the substance by something other than it’s correct brand name, something wrong like Purex.

Every since Louis Pasteur discovered that there are lots of tiny creatures on your tongue, have people like Howard H. had visions of being consumed by grotesque creatures you cannot see.

And I’ve noticed a disproportionate number of people in the Bay area with this mysophobia. I wonder if it is a local phenomenon or if it’s more widespread; but there seems to be a whole hierarchy in this aversion to germs. So to help you in your research, I’ve come up with a wallet-size list of tests to see if you may be, or know someone who is a mysophobe:

• Fear of someone sneaking into your office at night and touching your keyboard
• Pushing elevator buttons with elbows or knuckles.
• Using napkins to open doors.
• Fear of getting “one of those airport massages”.
• Smooth excuses for not shaking hands (“sorry, I saw a child in the car next to me on the freeway with a runny nose”)
• Obsessive hand washing.

And the most important indicator that you may have a fear of contamination:

You own different size bottles of Purex for the car, office and home.