I traded my wife for a cassowary

The other day at the zoo, I came eye to eye with what was by far the ugliest bird I had ever seen. It seemed to be a cross between a turkey, an emu and a peacock….but uglier. And they’re big, bigger than most humans. Cassowaries grow to be about 6.5 feet (2 m) tall and weigh about 130 pounds (60 kg). The largest-known cassowary was 180 pounds (83 kg).

Big and ugly is not a good combination.

Cassowaries have powerful legs and a helmet-like crest on the head. Two of the three cassowary species have red, fleshy wattles like the loose skin that hangs from their neck, like that of a turkey. They protect themselves by kicking and their three-toed feet have sharp claws. The dagger-like middle claw is 5 inches (12 cm) long. Cassowaries can run up to 32 mph (50 km/hr), jump up to 5 feet (1.5 m) and live 40-50 years.

Big, ugly, fast, and daggers for claws.

And it gets better: cassowaries are the stuff of legends in their native New Guinea and are believed to have mystical powers. Some tribes believe that cassowaries are reincarnations of female ancestors, while others believe that the cassowary is the primal mother.

Big, ugly, fast, daggers for claws and mystical powers!

I’m definitely going to have cassowary nightmares.

It is believed these awesome creatures evolved from duckbilled dinosaurs which also had huge crests (casques) on their heads. The crest, a complex nasal passage, was supposedly used to honk sexual and social messages. It may have also evolved to play a role in attracting a mate.

I may have to use this as an explanation for my snoring: “hey babe, I’m not snoring, it’s foreplay”.

Aside from the physical danger, they pose emotional trauma on the male psyche too: “Once the female has laid her eggs, she leaves the male in search of another male with whom she may repeat the courtship process. She plays no part in incubating or in rearing of the chicks. Incubation is carried out entirely by the male for about 50 days.”

I hate these birds.

But maybe I’m just naïve as these cassowaries are very important to the native people of New Guinea, both economically and ritually. Some tribes hunt them for their meat which is considered a delicacy. They use the feathers to decorate headdresses, and the feather quills for earrings. The sharp claws are often placed at the tips of arrows, while the strong leg bones are used as daggers.

I may fear these evil birds...but only if I could get one: “Cassowaries have been traded for pigs and even for a wife”.