Mail Order

The other day I went to a Web 2.0 “drinks” gathering at my favorite LLC, Adaptive Path. Whilst gathered, I chatted up an engaging and funny friend who proceeded to describe a gift her husband had kindly presented to her. Ants. But the ants didn't actually come with the ant farm, you had to mail order them. Even better.

Now ants are a nuisance, an annoyance, a problem. But they are rarely a gift. To quote: “Ants come in more than twenty thousand household varieties and have many tastes. Depending on the species and their age, they will seek out sweets, grease, starch or protein. Some varieties even feed on other insects. From the small brown pavement ant to the destructive carpenter ant, they can invade your house, looking for food, or leave unsightly ant hills in your lawn. Carpenter ants even burrow through your woodwork or trees causing expensive damage. Every species of ant has a waxy outer coating that protects them from dehydration.

To effectively control ants in the home or garden, their nest must be destroyed” .

Note, it says: “must be destroyed”. No coddled, not loved, not cared for, not kept on your desk, and most certainly not mail ordered. They must be destroyed.

I began to wonder, if I can mail order this thing that can “seek out sweets, grease, starch or protein”, I must be able to mail order a McDonald’s customer. And so I searched:

Mail Order Brides

This says it all on this subject:

The Mail Order Bride Warehouse
The mail order bride warehouse. Complete guide to services of hundreds of international introduction agencies for finding a foreign wife via pen pal or ... (or what?)

MAIL ORDER BRIDES online
Find Beautiful Mail Order Brides Online. ... The majority of mail order brides join Russian women match making sites with the principal purpose of finding ...
www.mailorderbrides.com

Russian Latin and Asian Women - Russian Women Mail Order Brides
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www.loveme.com

Mail Order Grooms:

An example of a prime specimen male order groom: he cannot spell, but he knows where to get an education. He has no religion, doesn’t believe in kids, can’t find a mate, has no humour, doesn’t read, and hangs out in the pool hall too much:

• Hair: black, straigth, short
• Occupation:
• Education: university
• Religion:
• Marital state: never been married
• Kids: no kids
• Languages spoken: english, russian
• Personality traits: serious, honest
• Kinds of music: classical, disco, pop, rock
• Kinds of books:
• Likes to go: theater
• Favourite cuisine: japaneze, indian
• Physical activities: aerobics, volleyball, billiard

Sea Horses (apparently these are now also known as “micro lobsters”)

“Although researchers have grown these on their desks for over 20 years, Fuku-Bonsai's export experience is limited. Being live creatures, it is impossible to create an iron-clad guarantee and we cannot guarantee what is outside of our control. WE WILL NOT SELL TO THOSE SEEKING LIVE FOOD FOR MARINE FISH OR SEA HORSES!!!”

On their desks for 20 years? Limited experience? Reasonable protection? At least they have morals.

Hermit crabs

Uncle Miltons Hermit Crab Cove. If I had an uncle named Milton, I definitely would NOT be buying hermit crabs from him. “Welcome to Hermit Crab Cove™! A sandy beach environment where you can watch your pet Hermit Crabs play all day! Receive live Hermit Crabs by mail”

Toads (Xenopus laevis)

These African clawed frogs are entirely aquatic and thrive in an ordinary freshwater aquarium. They are prolific breeders, producing 1,000–3,000 eggs every two months. They are often used in developmental studies and genetic experiments.

Albino Mice (Mus musculus)

Laboratory-bred mice are shipped three to five weeks old.

Albino Rats (Rattus rattus)

Sprague-Dawley strain, the traditional variety used in lab research, are supplied, in equal numbers of males and female. Rats are shipped three to eight-and-a-half weeks old.

Butterfly (Hyalophora cecropia)

“Salt and pepper” wings with red and white body. Package of three.

“Unique” Worm (Chaetopterus)

Phosphorescent and a host for several animals that live in its parchment-like tube, this marine polychaete is the ideal subject for various investigations including embryological development and behavior. The casing of this unique worm can be removed, and the worm placed in the clear plastic tube provided, to observe feeding and the specialized functions of the parapodia.

And as I didn't find any mail order McDonald's customers, my favorite:

Congo Eel (Amphiuma means or A. tridactylum)

These creatures appear similar to eels due to their tiny rudimentary limbs and streamlined snake-like movements. They are a nasty, voracious predator that should be kept alone.

Just like ants.