Lefthanded and Colorblind

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Group Grope



The other day my friend Pundista, invited me to a Democratic get-together at her place of employment and my favorite company, Adaptive Path. I had to decline as my travel to research two-seater shitters is imminent.

But what an event. It scares me to even think of the power in the room. Everyone's favorite group grope candidate (at least for the Women Of Adaptive Path), Gavin Newby and special guest star, Charlie Brown!



I do however believe that my friend Pundista may actually be Lucy Van Pelt, Charlies nemesis. Check out these conversations as captured at the Charlie Brown/Gavin Newby fun-fest:

Lucy Van Pundista: You DO think I'm beautiful, don't you, Charlie Brown?
[pause]
Lucy Van Pundista: You didn't answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn't you? If you really had thought I was beautiful, you would've spoken right up. I know when I've been insulted. I KNOW WHEN I'VE BEEN INSULTED.
Gavin Newby: Good grief.

Later, after many glasses of wine, Lucy (Pundista) could be heard interogating Charlie and Gavin:

Lucy Van Pundista: Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.
Gavin Newby: I don't think that's quite it.
Lucy Van Pundista: How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.
Charlie Brown: Well, sort of, but I'm not sure. I support PETA and all...
Lucy Van Pundista: Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?
Charlie Brown: What's pantophobia?
Lucy Van Pundista: The fear of everything.
Gavin Newby: THAT'S IT.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Sun

Real time images of the sun


Looking at this high resolution image of the sun, click on the picture, it amazes me that this sphere can maintain a nuclear reaction for millenia. It looks as though it is bursting at the seams, ready to explode.

The Sun is awesome in many aspects. But I like this fact; the Sun is "150 times the density of water on Earth". Other fun Sun facts:

  • The Sun contains approximately 98% of the total solar system mass.
  • One hundred and nine Earths would be required to fit across the Sun's disk
  • The Sun's interior could hold over 1.3 million Earths.
It's a slow blog night but not to worry, after I get back from my holiday shooting gravel chickens in Minnesota, I'll write about something interesting like two seater shitters.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Angel Lust


The other day I was reading about this MySpace Music band called Angel Lust. An odd name I thought. I listened to a bit of their music and I began to research their name. The story behind the name is much better than their music.

You can have an erection even after you are dead!

From Wikipedia: A death erection is a post-mortem erection which occurs when a male individual dies vertically or face-down – the cadaver remaining in this position. During life, the pumping of blood by the heart ensures a relatively even distribution around the blood vessels of the human body.

And then I found the video. Video of Sudanese soldiers filing single file past a dead guy stripped naked in the bush. I'm not going to include the video as it's easy to picture this gore even without visual stimuli.

Battlefield Trophies

"Sometimes if males die traumatically, they will develope penile erections and occasionally ejaculate during the final throes of death. A male corpse with a semi or fully erect penis is called "Angel Lust", a slang term used by doctors, nurses, medical examiners, and morticians. It is a common practice during war time for soldiers to strip the enemy dead naked and put the bodies of the ones they find with "Angel Lust" on display as "War Trophies".

Causes

Angel lust is usually the result of a traumatic death, especially asphyxiation. High levels of arousal — not necessarily sexual — coupled with the final spasms of the nervous system result in some very unfortunate triggers being pulled. Ejaculation may even occur..

All corpses undergo a posthumuous accumulation of blood pulled earthward by gravity. When corpses are positioned upright or face down, blood is drawn to the lower extremities and/or the front, resulting sometimes in angel lust.

Uses

A vanquished foe displaying angel lust makes an excellent war trophy. There is no better way to humiliate your enemy than to display their posthumous boner. Possession of a corpse with angel lust is an excellent way to earn the respect and kudos of your comrades.

Additionally, a penis with post-mortem tumescence carries all the horror necessary to cast a wicked spell. Ideally the dark aura can be directed toward crushing the sex organs of a nemesis. Attending hangings in the town square is an excellent way to procure this little token. Bring a knife.

Angel Lust Music

From MySpace Music.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Theodor Seuss Geisel


For my daughter’s birth, she was given a copy of the Dr. Seuss book Oh The Places You’ll Go. A thoughtful and thought provoking book and the last book written by Dr. Seuss. A book surprisingly, (to me) that was not even published until 1990.

His famous children’s book “Green Eggs and Ham” was based off of a personal experience he had with friends at an Ethiopian restaurant in Boston. Seuss had refused to eat the unusual cuisine, despite his friends’ insistence that it was good. After a while of refusal his wife convinced him that he was being rude and should at least try the food. After that Seuss declared that Ethiopian food was his very favorite, and frequented the same restaurant regularly until his death.

As I was raised on Dr. Seuss books, and have a four-year-old-daughter, I’ve read a lot of his books recently. But there is a disconnect between the common perception of what he represents and of the content of his cartoons.

Take, for instance, the following analysis:

  • Mertle the Turtle: a cautionary tale against dictators.
  • The Lorax contains an environmental message.
  • The Sneetches is a plea for racial tolerance.
  • Horton Hears a Who is a parable about the American Occupation of Japan.
  • The Butter Battle Book pillories the Cold War and nuclear deterrence.
  • Cat in the Hat's famous red-and-white-striped hat has a political predecessor in the top hat Uncle Sam wears in Dr. Seuss's wartime cartoons.

An interesting note about the origins of the Cat In The Hat: In May 1954, Life magazine published a report on illiteracy among school children, which concluded that children were not learning to read because their books were boring. Accordingly, Seuss's publisher made up a list of 400 words he felt were important and asked Dr. Seuss to cut the list to 250 words and write a book using only those words. Nine months later, Seuss, using 220 of the words given to him, completed The Cat in the Hat.




Saturday, September 16, 2006

George Clooney

A recent post on LHCB detailed my celebrity look-alikes. My colleague George Clooney had a laugh, comparing me to both Carson Daly and, much to the humour of my friend Pundista, to Jean-Paul Gaultier. Pundista said..."Thank you, Mr. Clooney, that made my day."



So I've decided to reciprocate, just to see who George is similar to in the celebrity world. The most similar person, at 62%, actually strikes a remarkable resemblence, don't you agree?



And then you have a person who not only looks like George, but has a similar last name in real life (as opposed to his Blogosphere alias):

Probably the most insulting to George's whole self image is his uncanny resemblence to everyone's favorite prez, George Bushy. I believe if I had a more current image of George Clooney to work with, perhaps one from this decade that showed his full head of grey hair, the George Bush similarity would've come out on top.



But to be a fair blogger with full disclosure, I guess I have to mention the number two on the George Clooney celebrity similarity list. All in all, Jake G. is a good guy to look like even if it is only a 60% likeness. I wonder if this celebrity match engine has a "Brokeback Mountain" variable?


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

One Eyed Jacks


I used to go to this illegal (no legal gambling in Japan) Black Jack parlor-slash-strip club in Roppongi, a place called One Eyed Jacks, in a district in the center of Tokyo where I used to live.

One night, I was sitting at a table, playing BlackJack and this guy with an English accent sat down next to me. This meant very little to me as at that time in my life, I had never even been to the UK. After about an hour of sitting, drinking and chatting with the bloke, I began to realize that there were an inordinant number of young pretty thangs hanging around my new mate.

It turns out it was Sir Richard. Chairman of Virgin Galactic Airways. We sat together until almost 4am and had a fabulous time. But to give you some perspective on Sir Richards’ holdings:

  • Virgin Active
  • Virgin America
  • Virgin Atlantic Airways
  • Virgin Balloon Flights
  • Virgin Blue
  • Virgin Books
  • Virgin Brides
  • Virgin Cars
  • Virgin Cinemas
  • Virgin Comics
  • Virgin Digital
  • Virgin Drinks
  • Virgin Electronics
  • Virgin Express
  • Virgin Fuel
  • Virgin Games
  • Virgin Holidays
  • Virgin Interactive
  • Virgin Jewellery
  • Vigin Cosmetics
  • Virgin Limobike
  • Virgin Limousines
  • Virgin Megastores
  • Virgin Mobile
  • Virgin Money
  • Virgin Credit Card
  • Virgin Nigeria
  • Virgin Play
  • Virgin Radio
  • Virgin Records
  • Virgin Spa
  • Virgin Trains
  • Virgin TV
  • Virgin Vacations
  • Virgin Vie
  • Virgin Vines
  • Virgin Vision
  • Virgin Ware
  • Virgin Wines
  • Virgin.net

In retrospect, I should have pitched him something. I’ve heard the lore about a stewardess on a flight pitching the concept of “Virgin Brides”, a popular bridal chain in the UK, during a flight…and having Dear Richard fund the endeavor.

But all I could think of were cards, naked women and alcohol.

I’m so shallow.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Separated At Birth

"Sometimes, my friend, you must keep your enemy close at hand, if only to watch him more closely."
General QI'tu', of the Klingon House Abukoff


My "friend" George Clooney runs marketing at my company. He abuses his position.

Recently, I had to have some photo's taken for work. Before I received the photo's, he had run them through a semantic image engine to see who my image compared to in the world of public photos.

The first, Carson Daly at a 58% likeness, was somewhat complimentary as he's the type of famous, studly-type character, who at a young age, would have been good to emulate. Young, famous and rich.


Now that's all good and he could have left it at that. But nooooo, he had to look further, coming up with this likeness at 68%:



"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
Eddie Cantor

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Neck Is Fat

Today I was preparing for a professional photographer to take my picture. My preparations included simple things like putting on a shirt. Simple, one would think, but somewhere along the lines, my neck seems to have grown quite dramatically.



Now this is odd as just recently I had my neck measured for a new set of shirts I purchased. But nonetheless, today when I tried to button my top button, it was as though I was about to become Exploding Head Man. After struggling with the top button, I looked in the mirror and it looked as though someone had placed a tomato onto my new shirt.



Now how this could possibly happen is but a mystery and I forgot about the whole incident. Then I got to the photography shop, button undone and hidden below my skillfully tied tye, and I sat for a series of pictures. Even the photographer thought they looked good as he said "you have a nice smile".



But then he added "it should only take an hour or two of Photoshop work to touch up these photo's". An hour or two? I don't think they took that long to touch up Abu Musab al-Zarqawi after the US dropped a couple 500 pound bombs on the guy.



This obviously has something to do with my neck problem.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Cold Competition

Air Guitar World Championships

” What Air Guitar is all about, is to surrender to the music without having an actual instrument. Anyone can taste rock stardom by playing the Air Guitar. No equipment is needed, and there is no requirement for any specific place or special skills. In Air Guitar playing all people are equal regardless of race, gender, age, social status or sexual orientation.”


Mobile phone throwing world championships

According to the insurance companies there are lots of phones laying in the thousands of lakes in Finland. Actually the phones return to the stores in exchange for new ones and then become a toxic waste. For example the battery is toxic and must be handled properly.

But before mobile phones become toxic waste they can be recycled in sport activities ie. In Mobile Phone Throwing, the only sport where you can pay back all the frustrations and disappointments caused by these modern equipments.

There are officially two categories in the Mobile Phone Throwing. Traditional style ie. Over the shoulder throw, where the length of the throw is crucial. In Freestyle the style is free and the contestant gets points for aesthetics and creative choreographics from 4 to 10. In both categories the contestant with the highest score wins.


Wife carrying world championships

In 1992, the people of Sonkajärvi decided that it was time to revive some long-forgotten traditions: back in the late 1800's there was in the area a brigand called Rosvo-Ronkainen, who was said to have accepted in his troops only those men who proved their worth on a challenging track. In those days, it was also a common practice to steal women from the neighbouring villages.

So that's how this small town in central Finland became the focus of attention of world media and sportshusbands and wives. From year to year a large number of competitors, public, and media from Finland to Canada attend the annual Wife-Carrying rendezvous in Sonkajärvi, doubling the population of the town for the weekend.

Swamp soccer world championships


Swamp Soccer was invented by Finnish skiers who needed a very tough sport to work out during summer. So, they took a ball to a swamp field and started to play soccer with the mud up to their knees.

Swamp Soccer has become so popular that the in 1999 a European Championships was held where 69 teams took part. By the year 2000 Swamp Soccer popularity had increased so much that they organised the first ever Swamp Soccer World Championships. Since then, more than 200 teams from all over the world play yearly over 500 matches in a muddy struggle for the swamp soccer world trophy.

It has been calculated that players sweat over 20,000 litres during the tournament. Of course, no Finnish sweating event would be complete without a Finnish Sauna. A special-made Sauna is open throughout the games for all players and fans. The Sauna is more than 35 metres long and is equipped with six wood-heated sauna stoves -another world record!.

Snowball fight competition

The rules are simple:

  • Two opposing teams throw snowballs at each other.
  • Each team has 90 snowballs for each set
  • When a player is stuck by a snowball the player is declared out by a sideline judge and must leave the field of play.
  • Each team has a pennant that it is protecting from capture by the opposing team
  • A match between teams consists of three 180 second "sets" and the winner of two sets wins the match.
  • A set is won by outright capture of the opposing team's pennant, or on the basis of points. Points for each set are determined by the number of players remaining on the field for each team when the time has expired. If that determination is a draw, then the number of snow balls remaining are counted and the team with the most wins.
  • There are eight members to each team, of which number, at least three of the on-field members must be female.
  • Both sidelines have two line judges and one sideline has the head referee positioned at the centerline of the field. Their job is to observe the "hits" and to "flag" players out.
  • There is also a time keeper and a record keeper for each match.

Sauna World Championships


The rules for the SWC go like this: The first day there are 13 preliminary heats (aptly named), with six contestants per sauna. The two men from each heat who are the last to leave the sauna under their own steam move on to the qualifying round. The 12 qualifying winners move on to the next day's semifinals. The six winners of that round move on to the final, where the champion is crowned.

The temperature starts out at 230 degrees; every 30 seconds a half-liter of water hits the stove, which provides the drama of a scorching blast yet doesn't induce the health risks of an increased temperature. To show they're still alive, the competitors must give a thumbs-up sign at regular intervals. The only other movement they can make is to wipe the sweat off their faces. They can't disturb their fellow competitors or even talk to them, which means no cremation jokes.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Ancient Protection

This reusable condom dates back to 1640 and is completely intact, as is its orginal users' manual, written in Latin.The manual suggests that users immerse the condom in warm milk prior to its use to avoid diseases.

The antique, found in Lund in Sweden, is made of pig intestine and is one of 250 ancient objects related to sex on display at the Tirolean County Museum in Austria this summer.

credits