The Gov

I have been thinking about running for governor in Minnesota. But I’m concerned that I may not be weird enough to be successful.

First of all, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, a huge governor by any measure provides a very tough standard. But the good news is that he’s retired. The real concern is the competition now:

The Impaler.

A man who calls himself a satanic priest plans to run for governor on a 13-point platform that includes the public impaling of terrorists at the state Capitol building.

Highlights from the 13 point “plan”:

• Any one found committing an act of terrorism in Minnesota will be IMPALED by me at the State Capital. If the US DOJ wants to prosecute me for it, then I will take my chances in Court, for I do not believe an American Jury will convict me of brutally killing a terrorist!
• All religious beliefs will be protected under my administration. I will erect the "Wall of Religious Beliefs" in the Capital. This wall will have everything from the Wiccan Rede to the 10 Commandments.
• Boot Camp for juvenile offenders. If parents are unable to cope with an out of control child, who is repeatedly breaking laws and/or are failing to attend school regularly, the child will be placed in a "Boot Camp" program ran by reserve or former military drill sergeants
  

Like Howard Dean before him, The Impaler is using the vast fund-raising capabilities of the internet to organize and coordinate amongst like-minded individuals.

He even has a federally sanctioned party, the VWP Party.

But there is hope for me with this news flash!

“Jonathon Sharkey, 41, of Princeton, Minn. was arrested Monday night on two felony counts from Indiana, said Mike Smith, the Mille Lacs County jail administrator. One warrant was for escape, another for stalking.”

First “The Body”, then “The Impaler”, now perhaps “The Ferret Legger”?!

Moses the Warlord

The other day I had the opportunity to watch some movies for the first time in quite awhile. Through some twist of fate, I ended up watching Lord of War and Bowling for Columbine one after another and on the same day.

I couldn’t believe how similar the messages were from these two movies and I could not get the images and statistics out of my head for days.

Columbine had a very America-centric and the general message was that of “guns are bad for society” and that “Charlton Heston is a prat”. I guess I have to agree. When Moses himself shows up in Denver with the line “from my cold dead hands” soon after the Columbine massacre and in Flint, after a 6 year old boy shot and killed a little girl it, I’d say it’s over the top. Lord of War has an equally appalling message with an international scope.

To make myself feel better about the whole Moses-is-a-gun-fiend thing, I’ve included a cathartic link where you can abuse Charlton’s face.

Gun stats:

• There are 600 million small arms on earth
• 250 million in the U.S.
• 84 million in Europe
• 30 million in sub-Sahara Africa

• Every hour in America, four people are killed by firearms. (Centers for Disease Control)
• A gun in your home makes it three times more likely that you or someone you care about will be murdered by a family member or intimate partner (Kellerman,New England Journal of Medicine v329, n.15 1993)
• Gun violence is the second-leading cause of injury-related fatalities in the US after car accidents. In Alaska, Maryland and Nevada as well as D.C., firearm death rates in 1998 exceeded those for car accidents. (CDC & Natnl. Vital Statistics Report, 1999)
• One million Americans have died in firearm homicides, suicides, and unintentional shootings since 1962.
• Firearm deaths per 100,000 people (CDCP, Bureau Of Justice Statistics, 1998): 14.24 in the U.S., 4.31 in Canada, 0.7 in Holland, and only 0.41 in England (where not even police carry guns). Which means that if you live in the U.S., you are 40 times more likely to die of gunshots than if you live in Britain. Murders by handguns (1996): 15 in Japan, 30 in Britain, 211 in Germany, 9,390 in the United States. Which means if you live in the U.S., you are 300 times more likely to be murdered than in you live in Britain.
  

I feel better now….

Numb and Number

When I was growing up in small town Minnesota, the winters were very long. One of the rites of spring was to look forward to a contest that signified the coming of summer and the thaw, the “Ice Buster” contest.

The Moose Lake Chamber of Commerce would hold a raffle each winter. A contest where people had the opportunity to purchase a chance to correctly guess the date and time when the ice would get thin. Thin enough for the car that they would drag out onto the ice each winter to fall through and sink to the bottom. A good opportunity this raffle, as there were only 1438 people in the whole town; compared to the lottery these are stellar odds.

I contacted my favorite newspaper, the Moose Lake Star Gazette, to see if I could obtain some archival pictures or articles that documented this important annual event. The editor and publisher of the Star Gazette, Jerry DeRungs, reported “I also remember the ‘Ice Buster’, but DNR regulations prohibit that activity now days”.

You can’t intentionally drop cars in lakes anymore?! There’s definitely too much government intervention in our lives these days.

The DNR, the Department of Natural Resources, is a very important government department. Especially in Minnesota where there are an abundance of natural resources. Natural resources like ice.

The DNR website helpfully provides this useful metaphor for assessing ice safety:

“Ice is not really that solid, like blacktop or concrete on the ground. It might be better to think about the surface of a frozen lake as thinly rolled dough stretched over a hoop. Place a large marble on the dough and, like ice, it sags in the middle but it doesn't break. If you put enough marbles next to each other on the dough, eventually it's going to give way”.

Nice.

But the DNR website also offers relief for those of us who must drive on the ice:

• Check the ice often, at least every 150 feet or more often if the ice thicknesses are found to be quite variable.
• Leave at least 60 feet between vehicles parked on ice and drill a hole in the ice near your car. If water overflows the edges of the hole, move the vehicle immediately; it is starting to sink.
• If you see concentric cracks circling around the perimeter of the vehicle, it is time to move it.
• Don't drive on the ice at night if at all possible; a newly opened hole might not be visible in low light conditions.
• Leave windows down, seatbelts unbuckled and doors ajar for a quick exit if the vehicle breaks through.
  
• Drive across wet cracks in the ice as close to perpendicular as possible and assume the ice strength is one-half that of new solid clear ice.
• Bail out as soon as the car starts to break through. Don't wait for it to settle to the bottom. Cars often turn upside down as they sink, which combined with freezing water, make breath holding more difficult and limit visibility. Mud pushing against the doors can make escape nearly impossible.
• Don't drive faster than 15 miles per hour. Faster speeds can cause waves in the ice, much like a boat's wake in the summer, which can cause already weak ice to shatter.

Important Summary Information:

DNR recommendation: drive around with your seatbelt unbuckled, window open (ignoring the sub-zero temperatures outside), while keeping the door ajar.

I feel much safer now.

You gotta have faith

Along the North Shore of Lake Superior, near Silver Bay, there is a shack along side of the road that sells icons and generally pays tribute to the Virgin Mary. Some winter long ago, she apparently appeared somewhere out in the lake as an ice statue. This phenomena seems not unique either...

Virgin mary cheese sandwich

Virgin mary ice ring

Jesus Marble Cake

Virgin Mary pancakes

Jesus tabletop

Nun Bun (now stolen)

Virgin Mary Fence Post

Virgin Mary Burnt Wall

Virgin Mary Underpass Wall

Virgin Mary seeping sap stump

Virgin Mary Elian’s Miami Home

Virgin Mary Bank Reflection

Virgin Mary House Fire

Virgin Mary Greenhouse Window

Virgin Mary Hospital Window

Virgin Mary Rose Petals

The Stuff of Heroes

I’ll never forget the first time I heard of the sport of “ferret legging”. I was about 12 and my friend brought his new pet ferret over to my house. If you’ve never encountered one of these creatures, they have been described as: piranha of the land, shark teeth on a rabid squirrel body, and most accurately, fur-coated evil with claws like hypodermic needles and jaws like a pit bull.

While I was sitting at the kitchen table, he let the damn creature loose and it proceeded to crawl up my leg. While I was dancing around the room, shouting and beating my pants the piranha bit me. I’m sure it was all a hilarious scene. This was the day I discovered the “sport” of ferret-legging.

Ferret Legging – The History

In merry olde England, when only the wealthy were allowed to own ferrets, poor poachers would sometimes hide illegal ferrets in their trousers. This practice evolved into a competition known as "ferret legging." During the competition, men, naked beneath their trousers, would see how long they could keep a live ferret down their pants.

Ferret Legging – The Sport

Ferret Legging involves tying of a competitor's trousers at the ankle and the introduction of two, particularly savage and boisterous ferrets into the trousers followed by a "final" tightening of the belt. During their desperate attempts to escape, the ferrets jump from one pant's leg to another, biting and chewing in a clawing panic. No undergarments are allowed during the contest, No jockstraps allowed. No underpants. Nothin whatsoever.

Ferret Legging – The “Champion”

The reigning world champion, Reg Mellor, is a thoroughly tattooed resident of Barnsley, Yorkshire. He attributes his success to his ability to endure repeated and sometimes simultaneous bites to, if you are still wondering, "his tool", which apparently is intact, though after one particularly grueling contest of "Keepin 'Em Down" Mr. Reg Mellor was reported to have, "swelled to the size of a five gallon coffee can."

Nice.

Ferret Legging – The Champion Retired

Mellor is a proud man. Last year he retired from professional ferret-legging in disgust after attempting to break the magic six-hour mark- -- the four-minute-mile of ferret-legging. After five hours of having them down, Mellor found that almost all of the 2,500 spectators had gone home. Then workmen came and began to dismantle the stage, despite his protestations that he was on his way to a new record. "I'm not packing it in because I am too old or because I can't take the bites anymore," Reg told reporters after the event, "I am just too disillusioned."

Mellor refuses to acknowledge that his talent is made of the stuff of heroes. "Naw noon o' that," said the champion. "You just got be able ta have your tool bitten and not care."

My Favorite Onsen

I’ve been to many different hot springs, baths, hot tubs and onsen in my life. Here are three of the most unique and interesting.

Hamat Gader, Israel

Two of my friends and I were in the Golan Heights and decided to find out one day. We drove along a road with Danger Land Mine signs, old watch-towers, lots of UN vehicles, and a bombed-out bridge, the Allenby Bridge (above). Something struck me about this bridge as the journey as the area is beautiful, peaceful, even biblical, and yet here is this constant reminder of the conflict in this beautiful area.

Amazingly enough, in this arid region, and in the area which borders Israel, Lebanon, Syria and Jordan, there is a crocodile farm. The Hamat Gader Crocodile Farm and Hot Springs to be exact. This is Israel’s only naturally flowing mineral hot springs. These springs began as a 2nd century spa, established by the “10th Legion of the Roman Empire” and became the second largest bathhouse in the Roman Empire, known as the "Three Graces", symbolizing charm, youth and beauty.

Takaragawa in Gunma Prefecture, Japan

Tokyo is an awesomely fun place. So much so, that you can literally spend years in Japan and never leave the city limits (or sleep). As Japan is an amazing and almost desolate country (95% of the population lives on 5% of the land), my friends and I used the book Hidden Onsens of Japan to explore some of these hot springs.

There are literally thousands of different types of onsen in Japan. Onsen in caves, low tide onsens where at low tide you can climb into a one-person hole that is filled with hot water, onsen with monkeys, onsen on mountains. My personal favorite is at Takaragawa in Gunma prefecture. I have fond memories of sitting surrounded by snow 5 meters deep, naked, under a hot waterfall, next to a raging cold river, drinking lots of alcohol. And I do indeed have to consider what is published for the “rest of the story”. But the guides say it all with the commentary “Some onsen are reluctant to accept foreigners because of previous bad experiences”.

Bagby Hot Springs

I think the Bagby Hot Springs represents my idea of heaven: old growth trees, hot rivers, and running naked through the deep-snow forest. Bagby Hot Springs are situated in an awe inspiring setting of old growth Douglas Fir, Hemlock and Cedar trees.

But the common aspect of all these places:

“Please Remember: Clothing is optional”

The 109th Congress

I’m a rather apolitical type and I’m not trying to intrude on the territory of my favorite political blogger Pundista, but I found this little tidbit too fascinating to pass up.

Of the 535 members of the 109th United States Congress

• 36 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
• 3 have done time for assault
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits and
• 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the LAST YEAR!!!

source: ML Star Gazette

The Hall of Fame Game

I used to play alot of hockey in Eveleth Minnesota. We played in a big old arena where it always seemed colder inside than out. This in itself is remarkable as often it was often –25F outside. Famous people hail from Eveleth, people like the Hansen Brothers from the old Slapshot movie.

Eveleth also has the largest, open-pit mine in the world. “The city of Eveleth adjoins the great open pit mines of the Iron Ore Era with its man-made mountains of ore, and today's modern stockpiles of taconite pellets” reads the compelling advertisement for a local hotel. I wonder what the difference is between a “modern stockpile of taconite pellets” and an old one?

But most of all, it is home to the Hockey Hall of Fame. The Hockey Hall of Fame was rather important to me and I think it contained the remains of famous Minnesotans like Frank “Mr. Zero” Brimsek. And as hockey is secondary only to Finnish saunas and the Lutheran religion in MN, it was all very important.

But now that I think back, it did always seem like a very quiet place for a Hall of Fame. After all, it was a Hall of Fame. It turns out, there’s this other, CANADIAN, hall of fame. That makes it an International Hall of Fame. An important distinction by any standard. And it doesn’t stop there. There’s also a NHL Hockey Hall of Fame and undoubtedly Finnish and Swedish halls.

A little investigation turn up that there is a lot of redundancy in the hall of fame game. There are even multiple snowmobile hall’s of fame. The International Snowmobile Hall of Fame, in Bovey, Minnesota (pop. 662 with 326 houses). And this fact, the fact that a Minnesotan started a hall of fame pissed off the cheese-heads down south, so they started a Snowmobile Hall of Fame and Museum. I wonder why the Canadians haven’t gotten in on the game as a Canadian actually invented the bloody thing.

So I conclude that, like presidential libraries, this whole hall-of-fame thing seems to be getting out of hand. I may have to start a movement…

Thomas Jefferson Was A Moose Riding Hippie!

My uncle is a hippy. A long-haired, former-drug-using, commune living, Norton motorcycle-riding, real-life, honest-to-goodness, hippy. Since being retired from the drug-use and communal living scene, he pretty much lives in the woods, hunting and fishing, and generally enjoying life.

He is the person who introduced me to the exteme sport of moose riding. And being from Moose Lake, Minnesota, this is an extremely interesting and important sport.

Right up there with hockey.

The key tenant of moose riding is that the only safe way to ride a moose is while they are swimming. Otherwise, you may just be considered for the Darwin Award for just being stoopid. But before you begin to fancy the competitive sport of moose-riding, a few moose facts:

• MOOSE ARE VERY BIG ANIMALS. Bulls weigh between 800 and 1200 pounds. Cows are somewhat smaller, usually weighing between 500 and 900 pounds, and have no antlers.
• MOOSE LIVE FOR A LONG TIME. Cow moose have been known to live for as long as 20 years. Bull moose may reach 15 years of age.
• MOOSE ARE GOOD SWIMMERS. Moose readily take to the water. Aquatic plants are a favorite food.
• MOOSE CAN BE AGGRESSIVE. Avoid Confrontations.
• DOGS AND MOOSE DON’T MIX.
• CARS AND MOOSE DON’T MIX. During 1987 and 1988, in Newfoundland, there were 661 motor-vehicle accidents involving a moose.
• MOOSE HAVE BODY LANGUAGE: If they charge you, run away, and always maintain an escape route.
  

Thomas Jefferson was an admirer of moose -- so much so that he took a moose to Paris as a kind of advertisement for the New World. My conjecture is that he rode that moose to Paris.

And he had long hair!

Astral Projecting Cabbies

The other night I was going to dinner in the Mission District of San Francisco. I got in a cab and settled in for the ride.

Along the way the driver initiated a conversation. He began to discuss Kharkov from where he originates. This was interesting as I have friends in the Ukraine so I asked him what he planned to do there.

He said “I can do my hobby anywhere...even here”. I never asked if he meant while he was running red lights and barely missing double-length buses. But I did ask what was his hobby.

“Astral Projection” he said.

At this point I became concerned that he would leave his body during the car ride, but we arrived safe and sound. Later, my dinner mates decided that wasn’t what he meant. He meant to visit me that night in my home!

My memory even confirmed this intent because I recalled his last words. An ominous: “see you later”!!!

Ukrainian Taxi Drivers In My Bedroom! It was too awful to be true!

It didn’t happen but I’m still concerned about the “remote viewing” aspect of Astral Projection.

I wonder if remote viewing can give you germs?

Howard Hughes

This is the nickname I have for one of my neurotic friends. He carries a bottle of Purell around on his belt like Mr. Humberfloob from the Cat in the Hat movie. He even corrects me when I call the substance by something other than it’s correct brand name, something wrong like Purex.

Every since Louis Pasteur discovered that there are lots of tiny creatures on your tongue, have people like Howard H. had visions of being consumed by grotesque creatures you cannot see.

And I’ve noticed a disproportionate number of people in the Bay area with this mysophobia. I wonder if it is a local phenomenon or if it’s more widespread; but there seems to be a whole hierarchy in this aversion to germs. So to help you in your research, I’ve come up with a wallet-size list of tests to see if you may be, or know someone who is a mysophobe:

• Fear of someone sneaking into your office at night and touching your keyboard
• Pushing elevator buttons with elbows or knuckles.
• Using napkins to open doors.
• Fear of getting “one of those airport massages”.
• Smooth excuses for not shaking hands (“sorry, I saw a child in the car next to me on the freeway with a runny nose”)
• Obsessive hand washing.

And the most important indicator that you may have a fear of contamination:

You own different size bottles of Purex for the car, office and home.

Hero Support

I've never really had a long commute. That is up until I moved to the Bay Area three years ago. The reality of that very commute has changed my life. I have discovered that I have a secret super power.

Every time some maniac, or oftentimes a womaniac, tries to run me off the road, I focus all my super power energy toward being able to explode their car tires. I'm convinced it's a real power because while focused on the real tire of an old Pontiac weaving by me, it actually exploded.

But some may consider this only a secondary power. One worthy not of super hero status, but that of "hero support" (a.k.a sidekick). For instance, Superman has an astonishing array of powers . Whereas sidekicks are unceremoniously fed to the worms or even worse outted as "ambiguously gay". All due to the perceived lack of importance of their powers (see Alotta Fagina).

But superhero or sidekick, a power is a power. So whenever you see a car with a flat tire on the side of 580, think not of stopping to help, but consider that they may have received their deserved comeuppance from Flat Tire Man.

Sub-human

And about this whole colorblind thing. Yesterday in the NYTimes, one of those dreaded dot-charts appeared, ostensibly with the word GAY written in some secret color-code across the middle.

I couldn't (and still cannot) see anything and it made me remember a tear-filled day 30-some years ago when a man with a beard kept putting those dot-charts in front of me repeating "do you see anything?"

Human's are the only beings to process color as we consider it. So if I can only see certain colors does this make me sub-human? Sometimes I feel sub-human but it's usually due to too much wine consumption. But maybe I have other super-vision capabilities, like X-ray vision!

Well maybe not but I still think back to that dot-chart day, 30-some years ago and wonder why if there are actually numbers in these dot-charts or if its all part of a large conspiracy against me.

Urban Hang Gliding

Finally, after a couple dozen years, a means of spontaneous idea distribution better than email lists. My first BLOG.

It makes me think back to consider all the random email distribution lists I've assembled over the years. Random lists of people I knew in the 80's who I thought would find things like this funny. And being able to share my favorite newspaper link, the Moose Lake Star Gazette. This newspaper used to come out every Thursday and had wonderful features like the weather for last week. I still go to the Star-Gazette site to experience the Creation and Ingenuity of things like a hand-hewn sled. In the Star-Gazette classified, you also find useful things like free access to a store of Ole and Lena jokes. An example: OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove. to Duluth. I'll definately have to write more on the whole "Ole and Lena" spectacle later.