Double Fantasy

I’m relatively new to the whole fantasy sports scene. When I repatriated to the US in 2003, fantasy meant something else entirely and I had no idea what to expect in a fantasy league.

I now understand the attraction. It’s really the same social, competitive, creative attraction as it is for those that play World of Warcraft or Second Life, and it is just as obsessive of a game judging from recent observations of my friends and family.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop

I have a friend at work, one of the Hanson brothers, who plays in a lot of fantasy leagues. The ones that I know about, a football at work league, another football league and a fantasy hockey league must consume a rather fair amount of time. Another friend, M. Slither, says “I have the most over-managed fantasy football team on earth”. My dad Aristole, retired a bit ago, also claims the title to “The world’s most over-managed fantasy team”.

As for my team, I have a cool avatar with lightening in the background, I often have witty smack talk commentary, and I am in 8^th place of 14 and striving heroically to make the playoffs. But I am in no-way, over-managed.

The other day, my dad call’s me and said “how come you have three tight ends?” Now I have no idea why I have three tight ends. My bro-in-law of course made some lewd, gay comment about my affinity for tight-ends. I actually have no idea why I have three tight-ends on my roster, but I do remember intending to make some strategic set of roster moves and then only half completing my transactions as I got distracted by other things.

Other things like looking for useful blogging facts and stories:

• In 2006, 15 to 18 million consumers play fantasy sports and that number is growing at a rate of 7% to 10% annually.
• Fantasy sports have an estimated economic impact in 2006 of US$1.5 billion within the industry and close to $4 billion total economic impact

Facts!

M. Slither says: “These are just facts. Where's the editorial content…?”, regarding my most recent blog. As a matter of fact, after a bottle of wine or so, I personally find Chinese haze, exploding volcanoes, and African floods and dust storms interesting even without being accentuated on with my personal comments on the subject.

I do have to admit that the next morning, none of these events seemed nearly as interesting as Elin or her twin.

But I still like facts. And in spite of your slithering editorial, I am determined to mint some more useful factage. I’m going to blog about “Facts about Hair Loss”.

Hair Loss

“Hair loss affects about 35 million men and 21 million women in the United States alone. 40% of men have noticeable hair loss by age 35 and 65% by age 60.”

So, what are some of the more efficient, albeit drastic, measures to at least hide the baldness?

Appliance and method for facilitating hairpiece attachment – Summary of the Invention

In accordance with the present invention there is provided an appliance for facilitating the attachment of a hairpiece. The appliance hereof comprises a male snap member having a suture secured thereto. The suture is a monofilament member for hygienic purposes. Preferably, the suture comprises a monofilament of silver, sterling silver or stainless steel.

The present appliance is utilized by securing the male snap member to the user's scalp. This is achieved by surgically inserting one end of the suture into the scalp at a first point, withdrawing the suture from the scalp at a second point and tying the one end of the suture to the other end thereof.”

Hippocrates

The other day, I quoted Aristotle in my blog. Whilst looking for his quote, I came across some research done by Hippocrates. Apparently, Hippocrates was a bald guy and as he was, decided to discover a cure for hair loss.

One of his medical formulas was a mixture of opium, horseradish, pigeon droppings, beetroot, and various spices that were applied to the head. It didn't work.

Hippocrates eventually became so bald that two thousand years later, we still refer to extreme cases of hair loss as "Hippocratic baldness”.

So M. Slither, go slather some of that on your head.

This Week's Events

	Dust & Smoke: Haze over Eastern China Haze clouded the skies over eastern China in late November 2006. Pollution levels reached the highest category in the nation's environmental monitoring index. 1 Image, Posted: November 28, 2006
	Dust & Smoke: Dust off Northwestern Africa A plume of dust blew off the northwestern coast of Africa on November 21, 2006. 1 Image, Posted: November 27, 2006
	Floods: Floods in East Africa Floods swept over formerly drought-stricken regions of Kenya and Ethiopia when unusually heavy seasonal rains began in late October 2006. 3 Images, Updated: November 27, 2006
	Volcanoes: Mount Etna, Sicily Sicily’s Mount Etna released a thick plume of volcanic ash on November 24, 2006, forcing the overnight closure of a nearby airport. 1 Image, Posted: November 27, 2006
	Fires: Fires in Northern Territory and Queensland Fires and large burn scars were scattered across the tropical savannas of Northern Territory and Queensland on November 27, 2006. 1 Image, Posted: November 27, 2006
	Dust & Smoke: Dust off Pakistan Plumes of dust blew off the coasts of Pakistan and Iran on November 22, 2006. The plumes blew to the southeast over the Arabian Sea. 1 Image, Posted: November 22, 2006
	Fires: Fires in New South Wales, Australia Spurred by dry conditions and high winds, wildfires raged through the Blue Mountains west of Sydney, Australia. credits

The "Sin" in Wisconsin

It is sometimes hard to tell the difference between people from Minnesota and those from Wisconsin. For those who often confuse the two tribes, Lefthanded & Colorblind is here to help.

The primary characteristic difference between Minnesota and Wisconsin is that the Wisconsinites have the word “sin” in their stately name. Take for instance, the following Minnesota statistic:

“The number of deer harvested during the 2006 firearms season will likely exceed 250,000, below the 2003 record harvest of 290,000, but still among the top five harvests in Minnesota, according to preliminary estimates from the Department of Natural Resources (DNR).

With the firearms deer season still open in the metro area and southeastern Minnesota, the current 2006 harvest is estimated at 200,000, according to Lou Cornicelli, DNR big game program coordinator.

Sales of firearms deer licenses through Monday totaled 422,028, which is slightly above last year's total of 418,264 at the same time. License sales for the season have totaled 449,000 for the past two years.”

Now aside from the side issue that in Minnesota “the firearms deer season is still open in the metro area” (metropolitan deer hunting in Minnesota?), an important and differentiating point is that those in Minnesota hunt deer. There was not a single, reported incident of bestiality during this years’ Minnesota hunting season.

And then there is Wisconsin. Although Minnesota issued more than 400,000 deer hunting licenses, not one of those hunters was charged with the pursuit of “deer love”. In contrast, Wisconsin has B.J. Hathaway:

“NOVEMBER 16--Meet Bryan James Hathaway, alleged venison lover. The Wisconsin man, 20, is facing charges that he had sex last month with a dead deer. Hathaway, who previously has served time for killing a horse he intended to sexually assault, allegedly found the deer in a ditch alongside a roadway. Now Hathaway's lawyer has filed a court motion arguing that since the animal was already dead, Hathaway should not face a misdemeanor rap of sexual gratification with an animal. "The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass," lawyer Fredric Anderson wrote in the motion filed in Douglas County Circuit Court.”

Stalking

As regular readers Howard and George have both been whining about my recently intermittent blogging, I’ve decided to provide them with a post that will let them return again and again.

A while back, I went to the Ryder Cup at the DeVere Belfry golf resort in the UK. It was held at a prestigious golf resort in Warwickshire, West Midlands, England, commonly known as “The Belfry”.

I had great expectations of the US versus EU competition. I attended on Goldman Sachs passes and my anticipation over the event, the course and the competition was palpable.

The golf match turned out to be great, culminating with a stirring win for the English. But my friend Big Playah M. Slither and I were roused by a much more interesting event. We spent the entire, multi-day, event stalking tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren.

Tiger met his wife while she was working as a nanny for Jasper Parnevik. I’ve always been fascinated by the prospect of Elin as a nanny. My wife and I have had a number of nanny’s before, but I just cannot image coming home one day and having my wife say: ’Hi dear would you like to meet the new nanny', and then having Elin walk in. Only later did I find out that Elin has a twin sister Joesfin.

On that day, the golf was great, but I only have memories of stalking Tiger’s wife. God bless the Swedes.

Work Less, Blog More

"Nobody ever died saying they should have worked more"

My Dad

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

Edgar Bergen (Charlie McCarthy puppeteer)

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind"

Aristotle

I've been working too much lately. As a result, I've been blogging less. As my dad's above quotation indicates, this situation is anthema to how I was raised. I also like the quotation "The harder I work, the luckier I get", but this is no excuse. I've just been working too hard lately.



And I do believe Aristotle's quote above is right on the money. The harder I work, the less creative I get. It degrades the mind. For some reason, the harder I work, the less I blog. This is a sad situation.



So I've come up with a new motto: "Work less, Blog More".

Frontside Ollie Nose Blunt`

Recently, I was reading about Tony Hawk, the skateboarding god, and his licensing machine. He has a licensing partnership with Activision, maker of the popular video game Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, that nets him $6 million a year. Royalties from an array of other products -- including clothing, an action figure and a remote control skater -- up Hawk's annual income into the range of $10 million.

All interesting, but I was more fascinated by the name of the trick he invented: the Frontside Ollie Nose Blunt. I began to wonder if you needed to actually be a board god to have tricks named after you. The answer is yes.

Match the trick with the skateboarding god inventor:

• El Camino – a rocket grab backflip
• Calf Wrap, Flamingo, Pretzel Plant, Brain Surgeon
• Sal Flip
• The Kicktail (or Ollie Kickflip)
• John “Tex” Gibson”
• Ollie (once called the Ollie Pop)
• Texas Plant
• Discovered the technique to Ollie on flat ground
• Adapted the Ollie by Ollieing onto and off of obstacles on the course
• Boneless One

• Rodney Mullen
• Danny Way
• Derek Belen
• Larry Stevenson
• Gary Scott Davis
• Alan Gelfand
• Mark Gonzales
• Salvador Lucas Barbier

Giant Jellyfish Cookies

I learned to dive in Japan. As at the time I didn’t speak very much Japanese, getting trained in Japan added degrees of difficulty to the task. But the difficulties soon paid off with a wealth of beautiful dives.

On my first open-ocean dive, we anchored to the ocean floor and observed a school of hammerhead sharks feeding in the current. Later, we swam amongst a jam of jellyfish; each of which delivered an almost un-noticeable sting. But they were small jellyfish and nothing like the monsters infesting Japan this autumn.

Paraphrased from the Mainichi Shimbun and Yomiri Shimbun, local Japanese newspapers:

"Each year, in an annual rite of autumn, giant jellyfish (echizen kurage: Nomura’s jellyfish) invade the seas around Japan, damaging nets, interrupting fishing operations and reducing the overall quality and quantity of catches. The giant jellyfish can grow up to 2 meters wide and weigh up to 200 kilograms (450 lbs) each."

What to do? Eat them!

"This year the residents of Fukui prefecture have a new strategy to combat the giant jellyfish — they plan to eat them.

Three years ago, students from Obama Fisheries High School in Fukui prefecture developed a method for turning the invading jellyfish into powder. A Fukui-area company followed up with a cookie recipe that includes the powdered jellyfish as an ingredient. The jellyfish treats, called “Ekura-chan saku-saku cookies result in a cookie with a superbly textured sweetness nicely complemented by the bitter, salty flavor of jellyfish."

Bruce or not Bruce?

Contrary to his long facial-hair, fingernail growing, body-odor smelling, namesake; faithful reader Howard Hughes recently informed me that, for his birthday, his wife had purchased a facial for him.

So I decided to do a survey to determine where a facial ranks on the “LHCB Metrosexual Scale”.

From a statistically relevant survey of one, Lefthanded and Colorblind (LHCB) has now compiled these results:

1- Male Facials

From the May 2006, GQ “Style Guy”:

Q: I’m an 18-year-old straight male who loves getting a massage every so often, but more important, I get a facial every month and it’s bliss! When I tell my buddies how nice facials are, they think it’s incredibly girlie. Is it okay for men to get facials?

A: Of course it’s okay, but why would you tell your buddies or anyone else about it, unless perhaps you were asking your accountant if it’s tax-deductible? That’s what’s unmasculine—chatting away about your beauty regimen. Okay, guys, facials work, and it hurts when they pop your blackheads. But they make you look better, and if trying to look better is girlie, you can call me Mary.

LHCB Survey Result: Mary, you can call me Bruce.

2- Male Manicure

Putting the Man in Manicure.

“But getting a manicure still puts me in the minority of American men. Although no single organization seems to keep track of male manicures, blending a few surveys suggests that one in six men in the United States have had a professional manicure at least once, and one in 10 do so several times a year.

LHCB Survey Result: Bruce does manicures.

3- Male Pedicure

Bruce 1

“Remember to use powder on your feet during the summer. Also use powder when wearing athletic shoes, winter or summer.

During the winter, feet dry out, then often get rough. Keep your feet smooth by applying lotion to rough spots. A pumice stone helps, too.

Again, this can be part of your morning routine. It only adds a minute or two daily!”

Bruce 2

“hey im a guy and i started getting manicures and pedicures about a year ago. my first time i went with my girlfriend and i got a french manicure and i got my toes done red with a flower. i obviously didnt keep the french manicure very long b/c it would look funny but i kept the red toes. now i go all the time when my girlfriend goes to get her nails done but no more french manicures. i only do my toes now and only certain ppl get to see b/c i dont want everyone on the street staring at my toes. my girlfriend gives me manicures with colors sometimes but i dont keep the polish on my hands in public.”

LHCB Survey Result: BRUCE!

4- Male Plastic Surgery

In 2001, approximately 136,000 men reshaped their noses, 48,663 underwent liposuction procedures, 44,726 tightened the skin on their eyelids, 27,817 tried hair transplantations, 18,548 had their breasts reduced, and 106,056 injected botulinim toxin into their foreheads to forestall wrinkling.

LHCB Survey Result: You Go Girl. Work out or get out.

5- Male Hair Removal

When Hairy Met Sally.

In 2004, laser hair removal treatment was enjoyed by a total number of 196,847 U.S. men.

LHCB Survey Result: If it helps you get more…

Definitely NOT BRUCE!

Stylish & Endearing Germaphobes

From the TranStrap website: "Meet attractive, stylish people who find germophobia endearing".

I’ve come to realize, there are two distinct types of people. Those phobic about germs and those who merely take precautions about the “things you cannot see”.

Take, for instance, this excerpt from a recent “wire” story:

“Anne Ryun has become obsessive about using hand sanitizer. She squirted Purell, the antiseptic goop, on people lined up to meet Vice President Dick Cheney this month at a fundraiser. And when Cheney was done meeting and greeting, he, too, rubbed his hands vigorously with the stuff.

That has become routine in this season of handshaking, practiced by Democrats and Republicans alike. It would be difficult to find an entourage that does not have at least one aide packing Purell.

‘It's condescending to the voters,’ said Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, a Democrat.”

Hmmm, Cheney versus Richardson. On which side do you fall?

For those of you on the Cheney-side-of-the-house, I’ve included a useful list of new products you can use to provide a comforting blanket for your neurosis. Companies are now creating the illusion that no-one need ever touch another surface, drink another drop of water or breathe another breath of air that has been sullied by a fellow human being.

City Mitts: First detailed in my blog Magical Silver Ions, these gloves can be worn in a variety of situations to keep you from actually coming in contact with the natural world.

HYSO. The name derived from the Cantonese acronym for “happy hands”, this devices sprays hospital-strength disinfectant on doorknobs every 15 minutes. Just think, no more opening-the-door-with-a-paper-towel or waiting for the next person to enter the room!

TranStrap. “The BYO Subway Strap. Do away with “reaching for a slimy overhead bar”.

SteriPEN. Ultra-Violet light safely & effectively destroys everything that is DNA-based. HOORAY!

Wein Air Supply. A Personal air purifier "can substantially reduce the inhalation of toxic particles such as smoke, dust, pollens, molds, allergens, fungi, germs and the most dangerous particles that would otherwise remain trapped in the lungs.

Sani-Shopping Cover. "When you use a Sani-Shopping Cover, your hands will be the only ones touching the shopping cart handle today!".

And finally, this from the Sunday, November 5, 2006: Favorite symbols of the (germaphobe) movement are television detective Monk, Howie Mandel and the mysophobe Howard Hughes.

Trick Magnet T. Flow

Faithful LHCB reader MacDaddy (a.k.a. Big Playah M. Slither) dutifully reminded me that my recent blog "Generators" missed the important generator PimpHandle.

My pimp handle is:

Trick Magnet T. Flow

Sweetness.


Which reminds me that it's time to ed-u-cate all my wimp-ass readers in another urban language lesson.


Let me ed-u-cate you:

Anywhizzle

Translation: A Gangsterfied substitute for the word anyway
Proper Usage Example: Dizamn yo i gots dis mad itch, anywhizzle kets go smap some bitches up

J-Lube
Translation: Lubricant used by vets, also used for fisting.
Proper Usage Example: Hey, man! put a bit of j lube in that asshole and get your hand deep in

GFY
Translation: Corporate speak for Go Fuck Yourself.
Proper Usage Example: You want more sales? GFY before I bitch-slap yo ass.

Boo's, Bloats and Blessings

There's no actual story in this blog. I just think that some of the following collective nouns are funny. They bring up funny images in my mind while trying to visualize what they describe. I imagine things like what a "knot of octopuses" or a "prickle of porcupines" may look like if you saw a group of them.

Collective nouns, or terms of venery, or nouns of assemblage, are subject-specific words used to define a grouping of people, animals, objects or concepts.

Some of my favorites:

1. A pace of asses
2. A murder of crows
3. An ostentation of peacocks
4. A knot of octopuses
5. An aarmory of aardvarks
6. A blessing of unicorns
7. A bloat of hippopotami
8. A boo of surprises
9. A buffoonery of orangutans
10. A cackle of hyenas
11. A business of ferrets
12. A conspiracy of ravens
13. A crash of rhinoceroses
14. A drift of hogs
15. A durante of toucans
16. An erst of bees
17. A mask of raccoons
18. A mob of kangaroo
19. A plague of locusts
20. A prickle of porcupines
21. A rumpus of baboons
22. A smack of jellyfish
23. A studk of jellyfish
24. totter of giraffes
25. A wake of vultures
26. A watch of nightingales

Credits